Sunday, January 1, 2017

Dear 2017....we need to talk

Dear 2017,

2016 wasn't the best year. World wide it kinda sucked. For me personally, not so much. Now don't get me wrong, there's a lot I would change if I could, I'm just saying, in general, it wasn't so bad.

But then...then there was the end.





I won't even get into the whole Trump thing...there's nothing I can say that thousands of other sane, rational, smart, people have said. But that kind of seemed like when things really took a turn for the worse.

But this isn't about world events, this is about me, and me wants to talk about the last couple of weeks.

For most of last year, I was taking care of my grandparents and uncle. They're all sick/hurt, and need a lot of help. Then, on Dec 17th, my grandma fell. Hard. She broke both legs and her left arm, and it sucked.

She went from the ER to a nursing facility, and spent a week there. That week was hell, for her and me and my family. She was stubborn, not eating, not sleeping, and just being a total pain in the ass. And one of us had to be there at all times. And guess who that was most of the time? Yep, me. You know what, I hate nursing homes! They smell bad, and are horribly depressing. But it was only for a week, and on Friday the 23rd, she got to go home.

Then it got really bad. On christmas eve, my grandpa called me and told me something was wrong. I rushed over, and grandma was having a stroke. She couldn't talk, her face was all messed up, she was making horrible noises, she had somehow torn off all her clothes and bedding, and dipper and thrown them around the room....it was awful. And all we could do was stand there and watch while we waited for the paramedics.

We spent most of christmas eve in the ER, but since grandma has a DNR, they told us there was nothing they could do to help, and sent us all home. "Just make her comfortable, she'll pass soon" "Don't feed her or give her anything to drink, she can't have anything" "Give her this tiny bit (.01ml) of morphine, but not too much". I kept asking the Dr, "what does that mean, make her comfortable? How do I do that? I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" ...but I didn't get any real answers, I just got some morphine and kicked out.

That night was the worst night of my life. I stayed up all night by my grandma's side while she yelled and cried and asked for help. I gave her tiny doses of morphine like the Dr told me, but it wasn't even close to enough. She begged for water, but the Dr told me she couldn't have any. She begged for food, but she wasn't allowed that either. So there we were, all night long, both of us suffering in different ways.

Christmas day came and went, and really, it's all pretty blurry. Help came, first as caregivers I found on the internet, and her normal caregiver Rosie. And then once the holiday was over, Wednesday or Thursday I think, hospice showed up. Her medication was changed, turns out she needed 1.0-2.0ml of morphine, and a few other medications, to "keep her comfortable". And we just waited. We just waited for her to die. Since last Saturday we've heard "it shouldn't be long now", but you know what, it has been long. It's been the longest week ever.

And so here we are. It's now a new year. 2017. And that brings me to what we need to talk about.

I need 2017 to be better. Really everyone does, but this is my blog, so we're talking about me. 2017, I need my grandma to die. We can't go on like this. She's suffering, my family is suffering, it has to end now. I can't handle looking around at my loved ones and not seeing any smiles. I'm tired of being tired. I want this fog I've been walking around in to lift. I want to be able to know what day it is without looking at a calendar. I want to feel happy again.

So please, let's get past this together, and start this year differently then how 2016 ended. Ok?

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